Poems

She Pours In - From the Author

Physics says energy can neither be created nor destroyed. I believe my mother follows the same rules. She is lost to me in body, but I find her spirit inhabiting those around me. I am grateful for her kindness when it is given to me. I appreciate her gentleness when someone treats me gently. I admire her courage when I watch others be courageous. She is everywhere when I allow myself to see her. When I open myself to her, she pours in. My mother grants me an audience every time I catch my reflection. She escapes through my eyes their shade reminiscent of the magnolia trees she planted. Her laughter hibernates in my throat, dormant until someone clever entertains her. She leaks from my fingertips. A tap of wisdom I welcome to overflow on my page. The words she mispronounced in my presence, I butcher with a new audience. During her passing, she molded me, shaping me into her earthly vessel. I am her legacy. The incarnation of her life’s work. Her representative to life.  

 

 

Mother to daughter 

I made a bargain with the Universe 

In your cry the contract was signed

You are not mine

You are not yours either

The Universe is your keeper

I only borrowed you

Through a deal brokered out of view

You who is made of folk tunes,

A carousel of dawns, newborn fawns,

And roaring lions’ yawns

You are agony 

A child of the unknown

The daughter of ecstasy 

A tomb of my womb  

And it frightens me

It does not lighten me

For you are nothing

And everything

A tiny infinity

Which entices me 

Though you suckle at my breast

Carry the blood of my ancestors

The earth where they rest you hold

Under your tiny fingernails

You are not mine

To love you is to endure defeat 

Become completely incomplete 

I humbly offer my broken body

To your tiny feet

I surrender all of me

You were never mine to choose

You have nothing to prove 

You are only yours to lose

You are agony 

A child of the unknown

The daughter of ecstasy 

A tomb of my womb  

And it frightens me

It does not lighten me

For you are nothing

And everything

A tiny infinity

Which entices me 

We Belonged

My sister, mother, and I belonged… together

She, she belonged to us  

 

My child’s mind splintered when told

My angel mother was not anointed

My child’s mind couldn’t comprehend 

 

No angels or demons came to claim her

She was a woman completely incomplete 

A tapestry of talents to wrap myself in

 

She didn’t hang the moon, she swung from it

Softly on a swing crafted by woodland fairies

Whose kitsch houses she made as a child

 

Georgia red clay flowed through her veins

Coursing when catching creek salamanders

Under the watchful eye of her stick horse

My sister and I fell asleep to her lullabies

Sung by her gentle voice rivaling chimes

Rocking us as she swung above the world

 

We, we belonged to her

We, we belonged to each other…

 

Until…

 

The disease ripped us apart

Dragging her where we couldn’t follow

Our mother…lost to us; in rapids

We watched helplessly from the shore

Waiting for her return.

A return that would never come,

 

We, we belonged…together.

Holding your hand

Here holding your hand

I press it gently into my skin

Trying to absorb you into me

To a place where my good health

Can be a respite for you

Feeling your hand in mine

I make a mold of it in my memory

Track every crevice, mark every line

I pray to become a black hole

A black hole to suck you in

To keep you safe, warm, alive

But I am not a black hole

And you’d lambast me sucking you in

So I hold your hand 

Radiating love to you

As you radiate love to me

Here holding your hand

We are whole 

 

 

Don’t cry for me

Self loathing is the rucksack I carry

Guilt is the ox bone buried 

Cheeks cherry red I wade into the river

Stumbling, fumbling to my horror

I gasp as my head sinks below the water 

Faintly hearing my girls with lifeboats chartered

They try to bail me from the flailing water of my brain

Where I once had clarity of sight, thoughts are faint;

I am frustrated I can’t remember what I penned 

Deploring them as thief for stealing my independence

Sinking deeper and deeper into the heaping chaos

No longer jockeying to come up for air, I am lost 

Hush my darlings,

Don’t cry for me

I find dignity in resignation

With no final destination 

I’ll rejoin you

In the creak of my chair,

Sun blessing fiery hair

Tons of gigantic magnolias,

cardinals proudly chirping, 

bleating sheep jumping

As you surrender to sleep

Only Death will I recognize 

When he incites my demise 

Welcoming him open armed 

I’ll greet him without alarm

Hang his wet coat up to dry

Thank him for his service

Please welcome Death as my friend

When he visits at my end

Clean and bring out our finest china

Provide the fattened calf to our caller,

Lay the table with grandmommy’s silver,

Shake his hand with grateful fervor.

He is not stealing anything from us

He is giving us the greatest gift 

He is returning me to you

Hush my darlings,

Don’t cry for me

I find dignity in resignation

With no final destination 

I’ll rejoin you

In the creak of my chair,

Sun blessing fiery hair

Tons of gigantic magnolias,

cardinals proudly chirping, 

bleating sheep jumping

As you surrender to sleep

Stay by my side

A stately coffin burns to ash

Well meaning sympathies begin to lash

The sky darkens, the lights go out

My North star I am without

Why must I suffer, why must I weep

While others mothers they can keep?

Call my Lucifer, I have fallen from grace

Now denied feeling your embrace

Please help me mother find my way

From grief’s trenches to blooming May

Walk beside me, watch me sleep

Whisper encouragements, console me

Don’t leave me now, stay by my side

Return your North Star to my sky

What dastardly sins must have I committed, 

For your memories to be omitted

Though you died peacefully in bed

The long goodbye remains unsaid

Am I predestined to follow your stead?

Discover my own illness I’ve yet to wed?

My betrothed vows to infect and linger

Memories smelt to unidentifiable anger

Following cursed Oedipus, I’ll stumble and crawl

Bound to my familial inheritance, will it smite us all? 

Please help me mother find my way

From grief’s trenches to blooming May

Walk beside me, watch me sleep

Whisper encouragements, console me

Don’t leave me now, stay by my side

Return your North Star to my sky

A Coin for Charon

Sheer cliffs of grief books peer down 

At me with uncracked spines

Offering unsolicited advice and journal prompts.

None of which pertain to me.

Strangers surround me 

I actively ignore their offers of snake oil

Bloodletting to heal my pain.

Tell me you wise, all knowing authors,

Who among you will return my mother to me?

Raise your hand in front of the class

Come on

Don’t be shy.

Should you succeed

I’ll devour your lessons.

Perform Lazurus’ miracle and I’ll follow you.

When my pain dissolves from 

the written Oxycontin you prescribe me 

I’ll believe strangers on pedestals over 

What the tightness in my chest tells me.

She is gone.

Nothing you write will cause her resurrection.

None of the work you pedal will revive her.

I am 

Trapped

Between volumes leering at me.

I glare back at them with contempt

As I know in the depths of my being

Only surrender can heal me.

Gratitude for the lambs

Why do you play with us from a distance?

Do you denounce our mere existence?

Do lilies plucked in youth sadden you?

Do bleating lambs barely move? 

Why must we bleed blood grifted?

Revere you as fair and gifted?

Carry the lambs at your behest?

Let the guilt of sacrifice fester?

Replace pity with gratitude for the lambs

The lambs you relegated to walk this land

For they will lead you clear of the brambles

Protect your all mighty ego from shambles 

As they shepherd you with unworthy merit

Through this world you banished us to inherit 

The endless line of martyrs you send to their deaths

With your name being the last breath from their chest

I believe only cowards send others to do their bidding

Do you find the prospect of mortal pain too unfitting?

Your son weeps as nails are driven through his palms 

Do you study your own palms while he recites psalms

Sighing in relief it is not your flesh ‘neath the hammer?

Sending your son in your stead now proven quite clever 

Replace pity with gratitude for the lambs

The lambs you relegated to walk this land

For they will lead you clear of the brambles

Protect your all mighty ego from shambles 

As they shepherd you with unworthy merit

Through this world you banished us to inherit 

Sinful Company 

Wails escape confirming I still make noise 

My voice the ocean breaking on cliffs

My throat a long forgotten well run dry

Struggling under the weight of life's burdens, 

My knees collapse from the effort of trying, 

When a ragged figure offers my body sanctuary 

I find camaraderie with the shadows in my mind,

Comforting me as my friends and family try but fail

Envy offers me a room in his drafty mansion, 

Greed makes me laugh stoking the Great Hall's fire, 

Lust wraps a blanket around my shoulders, 

Pride decorates my bedroom with magnolias,

Rage plays cards with me letting me win, 

Gluttony and Sloth put on a puppet show 

So go on keeping your faith, hope, love, 

I am happy with the sinful company I now call friends

 

 

Skip today (pay it no mind)

Happiness

Hungry enough to taste it

Not hungry enough to take it

Hours, minutes, seconds form a line

Rhythmically picking up days

Avoiding the boss issuing fines

Lashing out for respect not paid

The human is seen as a monkey

By the dogs, the cats, the iguanas 

Mocking us for being facetious 

Rejecting us for being elitist 

Historians, skip today

Pay it no mind

It’s paid me none

The eyes are terrible liars 

You can’t fake light being in them

As smooth as neglected tires

As dull as abandoned cement

Attend a local grief class

A desperate attempt to care 

Feel anything other than glass

Gaze without a frayed stare 

Historians, skip today

pay it no mind

It’s paid me none

The Chance Encounter

If I happened across a genie’s lamp;

He’d lay the world at my feet.

I’d pick it up and give it back 

Ask only one simple wish

Give me just one day with her.

Oh, to be with her again

I’d relish in her sweet laughter;

I’d soak in her kindness.

I’d tattoo her smiling face on my brain.

We’d plan out a grand adventure. 

Then sit, talk, laugh until our time is up.

I’d beg the genie to grant me this one wish.

But there are no wishes

But there are no genies

Only hazy memories can I replay:

A tape so worn the picture is grainy 

Her laughter sounds of faint bells.

Her hugs feel like a gentle breeze.

The words she told me are muffled. 

 

 

Night Driving

Highway lights hypnotize me

Freedom discovered between four doors

I crank the music till my ears are almost bleeding

My mind empties as I drum along to chords

The cars that pass me are ships on the ocean

With their battered crews of one or two

I let the waves take and wash me at their motion

As my brig has no destination to escape to

I drive in any direction free of fees  

with the hope to dismiss bruises 

Escape from my life, her, him, you, me 

Run away from everything that isn’t music 

the sleepy road, the passing trees

Night driving 

Night driving

Music fills my mind, no thoughts squeeze in

The lights lull my senses to bed

as the waves carry my ship to swim 

Owls entice the moon to tread

I haven’t yet reached the edge of the world 

But one day I may though I bide my time

If I meet the edge, I will allow to unfurl 

Greet it warmly as I fall off the side

When I feel calm, I grab the wheel at the helm

Turn my brig to the realm of the living

Steady as the elm, no longer overwhelmed 

Do I forgive life for its misgivings 

I drive in any direction free of fees  

with the hope to dismiss bruises 

Escape from my life, her, him, you, me. 

Run away from everything that isn’t music 

the sleepy road, the passing trees

Night driving 

Night driving

Magnolias

Magnolias 

My mother’s favorite flower

They are proud with big dreams

Wrapped in green leaves

They have time and space to ponder

Their life and those they’ll meet.

Isolated from the world they stew

Wait for their time to arrive —--

For magnolias are impatient

And anxious to thrive. 

My mother loved them 

Impatience and all

She responded to the dreamers

Folded among the leaves

She yearned to celebrate with streamers

And she did!

She did!

Come springtime in our garden

I’d see her standing in front of the trees

With balloons and confetti 

Cupcakes and little hats

Welcoming the blooms 

To their great delight and glee

They had a great love affair

My mother and the magnolia trees 

I have a magnolia tree in my yard

And this spring I had my cupcakes ready

My tiny hats held in highest regard

“You must be Candyce’s daughter!”

The blooms exclaimed as they entered the world

Seeing my cupcakes and little hats

“Yes, I’m Candyce’s daughter”

I confirmed to their claps

“It’s wonderful to make your acquaintance

I think we’ll be good friends you and me.”

My magnolias and me

Her and her magnolias

The magnolias and their glee

All united in the grand dreams 

We envision for our lives.

Separate pieces melding 

Creating the soul of a being. 

Yes, I dare say we will become good friends

My Magnolias and me 

We’ll bloom together in tandem 

Kissed by the lily licked lips

Of my mother in the breeze.

 

 

Moving With

Am I familiar now? Does my face ring a bell?

Are you proud of your girl? Oh please do tell. 

Has your red hair returned? Does it feel all brand new?

Are you missing me as much as I miss you?

I’m sorry for all the harsh words hurled your way,

I look back at myself with horror, with dismay,

You did your best with the life you were handed, 

Your luck with cards must’ve finally disbanded

There is no moving on 

There is just moving with

I remember what was 

I accept what is

Please forgive my cross words spoken in rage;

The hurt inside directed at you in rampage.

I miss hearing your soft voice on the phone, 

I wish I remembered to call more to home

I was blind to the hard work you were doing: 

The effort you gave to keep us from feuding, 

I wish I could tell you what I know now; 

I wish I could hear you forgive me somehow.

There is no moving on 

There is just moving with

I remember what was 

I accept what is

Perhaps in time you’ll visit my dreams,

We’ll talk and laugh like kids making schemes, 

You’ll say you love me and I’ll say it to you.

You’ll wrap me in hugs, together my life we’ll review.

Oh, for you to recognize me will be the best gift, 

Being with you again my lowly spirits will lift.

I love you and miss you, please visit me soon.

You’re a star in my sky, my mom under the moon.

There is no moving on

There is just moving with

I remember what was

I accept what is

You gave me life

I give your life meaning

We are one

You are here

You are me